Sleep Debt

When you are a college student, it's totally normal to stay up for 24 hours or more to cram for a final or write a few term papers, and then, in a heap of exhaustion, sleep for a day or two.

Parenting, my friends, is nothing like that.

Oh except for the staying up long hours part. Not the whole sleeping for a long time after part.

When #1 was a baby, he was a fuss. I remember reading about the "witching hour" that babies had before bed, but #1 fussed from 4- 11pm every night. Every. Night. It would be walking, patting, nursing, patting, walking, bouncing, rocking, nursing, patting, all the while, his mouth is open and just fuss crying. Never ending fuss crying.
And don't think I tried everything to make it stop. I gave up dairy. I gave up soy, corn, cruciferous vegetables, anything I read online that could possibly cause gas. Pretty soon I was eating next to nothing that resembled delicious or edible food, and he was still crying.
Your mind slips into an unhealthy place. You finally get him down after a certain rock-step combo in the hall, so the next night you keep trying it, thinking that was the sleepy time magic. Foolish you. The sleepy time magic was you wasting 5 or more hours and crying a half dozen times before the screaming midget decides to give up the ghost.
And then the topper- he refused to sleep for longer than 3 hour stretches. For 18 months.
That's impossible, you say.
No friend, that is very possible and exactly what happened.
At 8 every night I would be tucked in to bed next to the cosleeper, waiting for the next time #1 would pop his eyes open and demand to be fed. Do it quickly, and he might go right back to sleep. He slept right next to me so I could easily be awoken 6 times a night. The thought of having to roll out of bed and go to a separate room was enough to end me.
Luckily, I didn't have many friends during this period. There's something about being in the depths of misery- a self-created misery, mind you- that is very isolating.
Sort of like right now, but that's a different story.
I was so awash in sleep deprivation that I decided a second baby was a grand idea.  I think I had a few months of longer than 3 hour stretches of sleep, but luckily I didn't enjoy them as I was enormously pregnant. And also nursing up until 2 months before I gave birth (nursing while pregnant: it's very possible). And then you repeat the cycle with a second baby (although to be fair, #2 was so much sweeter temperament-wise- still had a witching hour though- no baby is perfect).
I took a job and worked evenings, and it only took a few weeks before my husband had them sleeping in their own rooms. Definitely a miracle. Granted, once again I didn't necessarily appreciate it, as I was working 60-80 hour weeks, getting home at 1 or 2 in the morning, and those sweet boys still woke up at 6-7 every morning.
The sleep doesn't happen now as much as it should. Some nights the boys aren't asleep until 9 or longer, depending how long #1 calls for me or plays around in his room. I NEED at least an hour to myself to unwind- dare I say I DESERVE it. So maybe 10 is the earliest I get to bed. I'm plagued by the "who is going to wake up in the middle of the night" fear, as it strikes when you least expect it. Some cries. Someone had a bad dream. A few weeks ago #1 had horrible leg cramps that had be sleeping next to him and googling furiously, worried that these were indicative of something beyond growing pains. As he writhed in pain, I definitely was not sleeping. The night before he asked to sleep with me as he was snuffy, and it turns out infected with hand foot mouth (again), so two nights in a row with minimal sleep. And we can all guess what happens after that- sickness. Oh it's not a hard pattern to predict. I'm still nursing a horrible night cough some 3 weeks later, and for 2 weeks me and the boys did nothing all day. We stayed home while it poured rain, and we played iPad and watched movies. It was very unproductive but man do viruses take it out of you. I only guessed at hand foot mouth by the sores in the back of my throat (and my husband's coworker's family caught it about 2 weeks later at the germ tree in the mall, and then my husband caught it last Friday).
You should go to bed earlier, you tell me. Yes, yes I should. There are a lot of things I should do.
I am so lazy.
Well maybe not in the traditional sense, since my house is crazy clean.
But I am so lazy. I want to sit and do nothing. I'm so sleep deprived and it doesn't appear to be getting better. I am getting SO much more sleep now than I did when #1 was a baby. It's fantastic. But it still isn't a full 9 hours. Man wouldn't 9 hours be great. I've convinced myself that if only I could get an hour or more of sleep I would be motivated. I would be super mom. I'd bake and do crafts. I'd write while the boys napped instead of laying down and fussing around on my phone. I'd write thank you notes and letters to my friends. I could research. I could read my Bible. But instead I see the end of lunch coming and I just say a silent prayer that they will nap and let me just be still.

I'm in serious sleep debt. There is no 18 hours of sleeping to try to recoup.
I guess there is only mental fortitude.
And today is a Wednesday folks. That Saturday looks mighty far away. And for you other stay at home parents, every day is a work day, so Saturday is a myth we tell ourselves.
Isn't parenting fun?

What are tips that motivate you? How do you get through sleepy days?

Attempting: Motivation

I seriously lack motivation.
I pray often for motivation.

Well, moreover I pray for a path. I feel like once I had a path I would greatly increase my motivation down that path.

Then again, maybe I need the motivation first in order to find that path.


Damn double edged sword.

Lately, I have found some motivation (and if you aren't motivated and don't want to be motivated, trust me, it's cyclical and pretty soon I shall be discussing my intentions to sit and watch mindless tv and eat Ben and Jerry's), just little tiny pearls of motivation.

My main motivation comes from that stupid quote that boils down to insanity is repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results.
Am I the only one quoting this to myself like daily?

For example, I was hoping that by June I would be ready for shorts season. One key factor you should know about me- I have not worn shorts since I was a kid. In ninth grade I had a pretty significant eating disorder, and that was the last time I wore shorts. I didn't fully appreciate the shorts-wearing then, since I was enmeshed in a body war. After that, I have grown to realize that my legs were not legs that should be enshrined in shorts. My calves have always been reminiscent of butch German weight lifter legs (and I'm part German so it's totes ok for me to say that). No matter how much I work out, what type of exercises I do, my calves do not slim down. My husband calls me sturdy. Don't know how much I appreciate that, but I do resemble it. A couple months ago though, I decided I would wear shorts and June 1 would be my estimated arrival date. I've lost all of the baby weight, and while I'm not quite back to wedding-day weight, I'm pretty close. Granted, much of the weight has changed it's location since having children, but I'm still stuck with large calves (and now a baby gut). I'm working out more, realizing that crunches of some sort have to find their way into my repertoire, as well as squats. I'm hopeful squats will help with the bathing suit portion of the summer. I have also not worn a bathing suit in a number of years. Lie- I wear it but with a shirt and shorts over it. I do not want to hand off my boys my body issues, because it is more common for guys to have body issues nowadays. I must be in a swimsuit and shorts. This must is moving me forward into working out more regularly. Last night, for example, I wanted to work out. I put on my workout clothes. I had no motivation. So I slept in them and before lunch today I worked out. It wasn't extensive, but anything is better than nothing.

Another motivating factor is this feeling that looms over me, a feeling that I don't want to get to be 40, 50, and wonder what I did with my life. I realize that there are only so many hours in a day, and I'm not dramatically changing at the moment. There has been too much bad news and upheaval recently that I'm not trying to reinvent my own life wheel. I'm just taking inventory of where I am and where I'd rather be. For instance, while I love my children, I do not need to spend any more time with them. This isn't something I need to work on. I spend almost all day everyday with them, and it would be close to impossible for me to spend more time with them. Instead, it's my goal to spend more time reading and knitting. I used to read obsessively until grad school. After that the reading train was derailed and she's been in the shop ever since. I have also discovered recently that I would rather read a YA novel then an actual novel. Yep, I am pathetic and worthy of slander, but I don't have a month to devote to one book (and I'm not a slow reader by any stretch, I just don't get much alone time. It's incredibly difficult to get anything done when little people are asking you to watch something every 3 minutes). I just read a YA novel in about 3 hours the other night. Is it mind candy? Perhaps. But it's reading, it's selfish me time, and I crave it. Also, knitting. Love to do it. Once again, difficult to accomplish with little people climbing you and demanding lap time. With the hour or so I get to myself each night, I need to decide what takes precedence. And these are top of my list. I also need to start getting up earlier, maybe working out then, and doing some spiritual stuff.
But it's hard to motivate.

What are you trying to motivate to do?

Baby Steps

How to have achievable goals

Every New Year’s Eve, it’s almost customary to sit around with friends or family and discuss What We Are Going To Do. Because we have to Do things. It’s not enough that we continue with everyday life and normal functioning, but now we must pledge to Do something. We can’t be one of Those People that let’s the opportunity pass to Do something. We aren’t lazy, undisciplined, presuming ourselves perfect.

We must Do. We don’t make resolutions to think more, to dream more; our goals are lofty and often very nebulous: I vow to lose 50 pounds; I’m going to stop eating unhealthy foods; I’ll write a book. Often that one resolution is lumped together with other resolutions, and if you’re like me, they are written down in a long list. One page has the future of the entire next year mapped out. No one sets themselves up for failure, so they chase that dream. We put our money where our mouth is, buying gym memberships and workout clothes, self-help books, journals and pens. We tell our friends in hopes that saying the words aloud will make us more committed. We spend much of our focus on that one task. The first month after our resolution, we work out fanatically, we make high goals of writing thousands of words a day and maintaining multiple blogs, and we throw away all of the unhealthy foods cluttering our cabinets.

Then Something happens. Somethings always do. We have a bad day. We get in a fight, have a stressful day at work, take a weekend off. And all that momentum just blows away. If I’ve set myself up for a big week and by Tuesday I’ve blown it, I think- I’ll start again next week. I give myself a week to do absolutely nothing. And then when the next week rolls around, I think- why bother? I’ve already ruined the diet, missed too many days at the gym, ignored my blog for too long. For me, the guilt of inaction leads to more inaction. It’s much like a friendship that you put on the backburner for too long; you worry that if you contact them, they will be mad at you for not having spoken in such a long time.

Maybe you pick up again after a few weeks, but the voice lingers- it’s too late for you. Why bother? Look at everyone else achieving their goals- you have put it off for too long.

I’m tired of that voice, and moreover I’m tired of the menacing Do. I Do a lot, thank you very much. Everyday is so crammed with Doing that by the time the kids are asleep, the only Do I want to do is consume a pint of ice cream while zoning out in front of the tv for half an hour before I go to bed before I have to get up and do it again. I’ve seen these blogs and books full of “hustling”. I need to get up at 5 a.m. to hustle my dreams. I often get woken up by my sweet dears of children by that time, and I have to hold them, feed them, comfort them. There’s laundry to do, dishes to do, food to make, groceries to buy. As a Christian I am also told I need to get up early to read my Bible and talk with God. So if I’m getting up to “hustle” my dream, then I’m guilty of not “hustling” for God.

Oh I’m a pro at this. I can think of reasons why I shouldn’t Do anything nearly all of the time.

I know that once I set up a big Do, I will unravel like a ball of yarn. Maybe I will obsess about that Do for maybe a month or two, and then I will hit a roadblock and it’ll be gone. Sure, I’ll think frequently of what I should Do and what I want to Do, but I’ll make sure I don’t.

So this year I have set little teeny tiny baby goals. Sure I want to have a 6-pack stomach and write a super long awesome novel, but instead I’m working on maintainable goals. It’s not realistic for me to say I will work out an hour everyday. Or even 3 times a week. “Everyone has at least 3 hours they can give to their health a week” you say, and that’s just not realistic for me right now. I do 10 squats a day. What? That’s ridiculous, you say. But it’s an achievable goal. Ten squats is such a little amount that duh I can do that many in a day. I can do more if I feel like it. And it is noticeable. Even my husband has noticed the firming up of my backside. And that says a lot because he is oblivious. And somedays whoops I forget. But it doesn’t throw me off because once again, it is such a little goal. I’m trying to read more (a practice that disappeared when I was in grad school and reading 100 pages of the most dense subject matter known to mankind a day). I’m trying to read more of the Bible. I make sure my Kindle is charged up and next to the bed, and that I have a few reading plans going on my phone (YouVersion has a great app for daily reading plans/devotionals- keeps it interesting and focused on basically any subject). That way when I fall into bed and I’m not too tired, I can read a little of my book, read some of the Bible, problem solved. And I want the family to eat healthier, so I’m working of these sneaky smoothies.

Smoothie Recipe (all amounts are eye-balled in the blender- make them and see what you like)

Whatever amount of liquid I use, I do about ½ apple juice, ¼ carrot juice, and ¼ water. I do more if making them for all of us for dinner, or less if it’s just the boys and I for lunch

Handful of raw almonds (we have also used raw cashews- you could do walnuts too)

Small spoonful of coconut oil (this oil has so many health benefits)

Couple spoons full of plain Greek yogurt

Squirt of honey (make sure it’s a good honey, or even raw honey)

At this point, cover it up and blend. The nuts need to be blended before you add much more or the blender has some struggles. Unless you have a great blender, in which case you do you.

Then I get sneaky. I have either kale or spinach (fresh, mind you) that I wash off and then add to the blender. Just a bit. I have tried not adding a bit and end up drinking all the smoothie myself. I take off stems because those are bitter, also all the leaf-webbing or whatever it’s called for kale because it’s stringy and bitter. For kale I add about 2.5 leaves (usually 2 big ones and a baby one), and for spinach about 6-8 leaves. If you’re like me, you need to shove it down under the liquid line so your children can’t see it and comment how much they dislike vegetables and then once again you’ll be stuck drinking it all.

Toss in your fruit. I like to do some fresh and some frozen, but whatever. It’s all good. I like frozen pineapple, frozen mango, definitely frozen blueberries. My husband likes us to add fiber so he will cut the ends off a kiwi and throw the whole thing in. You could toss in a few baby carrots. We’ve tossed in peeled cuties (those little mandarin oranges that are easy peel), berries, etc.

I blend and pour some for my husband and I, and then add 2/3 scoop of this powder we got for our kids- Vibrant Health Green Vibrance Junior for Kids. It adds a slight apple flavor, but is supposed to add protein, fruits, vegetables and probiotics.

I mix one more time and then pour the boys their drinks. And they are pretty good about drinking it. Blend really well if you use sippy cups so it’ll actually go through the straw and not get stuck. That’s personally why I add water, to thin it out a bit. I feel good about at least getting the boys some green in their lives, and the fruit and other ingredients help too. Like I said, you may need to play around with ingredients to get your kids (or yourself) to drink it. My husband likes to add other sundry things, like an entire avocado, which makes it a bit gelatinous in my opinion, but to each his own.

Remember, maintainable small steps.