Things that I just don't get

I don't understand so many things

1. Why do boys hit and wrestle and chase constantly? Is it fun to attack others? Seriously makes me want to drink at about 10 a.m.
2. What is the deal with LinkedIn? I just discovered you can see who you've invited to connect with there. It's seriously embarrassing. I think I've asked people several times thinking each time I'm asking them for the first time. God. I hope once they've rejected me LinkedIn remembers and they don't get a new invite every time. Sweet Lord. Gonna go dig a pit and hide in it.
3. I had a great idea for a plexiglass mailbox. How sweet, right? Do you don't need to go outside to check if you have mail or not. Then a few days ago I realized just how stupid of an idea it was. Are all my ideas this bad?
4. Adult acne. Enough said.
5. Christians that are judgey of other Christians. Or hell mothers that are judgey of other mothers, especially within subcategories, like attachment parents. Ok, you are a good mom. Stop it with judging others. Who cares when the kid is weaned or when they eat their first solid food or when they sleep in a crib. Are we trying? Good job!
6. People that feel it necessary to share their digestive distresses via social media. Do you feel less like puking or crapping if others know you are doing it?
7. I have all the ideas and quippy things to say before I sit in front of my computer. Once there, I'm blank. Nothing. Nada. Definitely could talk at length about the baby just born to some royal or depressing stuff about the upcoming due date of my miscarried baby hooray!!!

8. Why do people hate commas so much? I love them.
9. Addictions.
10. Horoscopes. I'm a Scorpio. Does that really mean anything? Or what about the horoscopes you get on Chinese restaurant placemats that talk about the year you were born. So everyone born in 1981 is like me? Doubt that. Went to school with a lot of different characters. We shared the fact that we were all walking upright and had opposable thumbs.
11. Celebrity obsession. Reality tv. Guessing baby names for people you've never met and will never meet.
12. What kind of crack do they put in Ben and Jerry's? I need to know. I can't stop eating it. Ok maybe it's my addiction….
13. Hypocrisy.
14. Women's sizing. Like H&M is a different planet. Even Gap and Old Navy are inconsistent between the two and they are owned by the same parent company.

Loads of other stuff but it's time for me to go watch my children pick at their dinner hooray! My youngest has decided he will no longer eat boxed mac and cheese as some sort of protest. More for me, buddy. More for me.

I Had a Miscarriage

I've been mulling this one over in my head for awhile. Usually, while I am cleaning or cooking or trying to sleep, I write letters in my head. I've always been too in my own head. When I was young it was dreaming up what I would say to someone I had a crush on, how to win friends and influence people. Now, it's angry words, diatribes, apologies, soap-boxes. This past week, I have been trying to find purpose in what seems purposeless.

I found out about 3 weeks ago that I was pregnant.
I found out a week ago that I was miscarrying that baby.
I've gone through about every emotion I can imagine in the past three weeks.
On September 1st, due to extreme user error on my husband's part, we had a condom malfunction.
Shit, I thought, I am pregnant now. No way, said my husband, reasoning that I had just finished my period like three days earlier.
But I knew better.
His family has a fertility problem. They are way fertile. Like way way fertile.
And so I took tests. Probably too many tests, all said negative. And finally on the 17th I got a pregnant result. Even though I suspected I was pregnant, it blew my mind. I had decided firmly against having any more children. I had been bugging my husband to get a vasectomy (its outpatient for guys, in-patient for girls, plus I've already had enough pain associated with that region of my body thank you very much). And now I was pregnant again. My husband was overjoyed. Maybe I will finally get a girl, I thought.
This had to be a gift from God. We used protection (even if used poorly), I was no where near ovulating (at least so I thought), and here I was pregnant anyway. God must have great things planned for this baby.



The reactions from many friends and family were not great.
I got asked if I had considered the day-after pill.
I was asked if I was pro-life.
I got asked if this meant my husband and I were staying together now.
Maybe this is a similar reaction that many people get, but it was jarring. I wasn't proclaiming- I'm pregnant what should I do? Instead I was saying I'm pregnant.
I'm not throwing everyone under the bus. Many people were excited or feigned excitement. That definitely helped get through the bad reactions.
Now I was rearranging all of my life plans, as one would when faced with a life-changing decision. Baby names, how to procure baby items similar to what I had just finally cleared out of the basement and donated, midwife appointment, sleeping arrangements for three kids instead of just two.

And just like that, it was all over.

Normal spotting turned into bleeding. I called my midwife, and her secretary walked me through what to expect with a miscarriage. She had just suffered one at around 6 weeks, like me. Not like me, I thought. This is not what is happening. This is just from stress.

Stress? Oh you mean like your family member coming out of detox, which set you and your husband back $1350, only to drink himself near death for the following 11 days. The phone call that you have to hurry home so your husband can go check on him, since he's incredibly intoxicated worrying about people trying to kill him if he doesn't place a bet. Your husband having to leave you to call the midwife and inquire about your bleeding so he can pick his family member up from the psych ward that he has checked himself out of, claiming he was never suicidal and his .37 BAC level was not a form of self-harm. Trying not to sob in front of your visiting friend and your children when you get the news that you are miscarrying, and your husband is at the pharmacy trying to get meds for his family member's DTs (but thank God that my friend was visiting. I'm sure she didn't thoroughly enjoy being in drama central while there was psych ward/drinking drama and miscarriages, but she was invaluable.).

Even when we were getting the ultrasound and the tech said there was nothing in my womb, when I got up from the table and noticed excessive blood on the sheet, my husband said he was still holding out hope. When I got the numbers back and my hCG level was 32 (what it would be, say, soon after conception), he said he was still hoping. I allowed myself the thought that maybe this was not happening. Two days later, I went in for more labs and the numbers came back at 14. That's when I stopped hoping.
This was happening.
Or is happening.
From the lack of anything in my womb, it happened weeks ago.
How long have I been kidding myself that I was pregnant?


Then came the fun task of telling everyone that I was no longer pregnant.
Now I understand why people wait til 12 or 13 weeks.
I had two healthy beautiful little boys. I'm lucky. Some women can't conceive. Some spend years trying to get pregnant, coping with miscarriage after miscarriage. If I had been 9 weeks or more, I'm told the pain of miscarrying would have been a lot closer to labor instead of a bad period. I'm lucky, I guess.

I don't feel very lucky. I feel messy. I have too many emotions. Mournful, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, bitter, relieved, guilt, pain. I can't sort through it. I didn't have the time to mourn it properly with my husband, as he was moving the belongings out of his family member's house, trying to clean it up so the girlfriend could get some security deposit back. It's kinda too late to mourn it now, as he's a guy and he's over it. His vasectomy has been scheduled for about a month now, and I definitely don't want to try again. I didn't want another kid, but having one taken from me has me wondering what I'm supposed to feel.

What's God's plan with all this?

How to Spend your Money: Part 1

There will come a time when, as a new parent, you will decide what to buy for that little crying sack of half your DNA. Usually the time to start thinking about this is when someone announces they are going to throw you a baby shower and you need to select the items other people are going to purchase for you. Hurray! But then you go to Target with that little scanner and walk the aisles trying to decide what is Important. Or you look online at your favorite baby store and see all the things that you MUST get for your baby or you are basically depriving them of a future at an Ivy League University. How could you?
It's a bit overwhelming.
Or perhaps you are a friend of these rapidly procreating baby-factories who keeps getting invited to shower after shower and you want to get something actually useful, and not more baby powder (ps no one wants baby powder. No one uses baby powder. They actually recommend that  you don't use baby powder on babies, so just say no.). Here is my ever important guide on how to spend your money. You definitely don't need to take my word on it, but I have had two kids, seven nieces and nephew (only one nephew so far), and loads of friends with kids. We all have different ideas of what is most important to us, but the same themes run through what is very important to survival with children.

UnofficialBailey's Guide on How to Spend Your Money: Kid Edition

What to Splurge On
1. Ok there are few very romantic things about a new baby, or the whole getting-the-baby-out thing. They are messy and goofy looking. They poop and puke and sleep and cry. Don't believe me? Wait til you have one of these creatures. One of the most important things you can buy- a solid diaper changing table. I am NOT even joking. Most kids are not potty trained until they are 3 or older. So that's 3 plus years of shlepping a child on and off the table. We bought a very nice model that was used at a garage sale. It was, let's say, shabby chic. But it is a very sturdy wood table with many drawers. So useful. My sister bought a cute jungle-themed table and it was not sturdy. The table part broke, and she thought she would soon be done with diapers so she spent a year, a year!!, changing her son on the floor. That is just dedication I do not have. Get a good changing table.
2. Invest in a very solid stroller. This will be your chance to escape the confines of your house. Seriously. If you live in a wintery climate, make sure the stroller is rugged enough to handle going over snow and ice. Because after months of cabin fever you will go out in almost any type of weather. Make sure it can fit through a standard doorway. Many come equipped for jogging, etc if you feel that will be beneficial for you. I don't believe in running, but I still chose the running-type model. The wheels tend to hold up better to abuse and are good for off-road. We got a bumbleride indie and then with the birth of our second, a bumbleride indie twin. I get stopped all the time to give moms and grandmas info about what type of stroller it is. They are good looking and incredibly rugged. You can usually get last year's model for a reduced rate at a local retailer, like we did, and the resale value is incredibly high. My sister got a graco and the wheels were such crap that it was like pushing a heavy brick. I personally like the side by side, but others prefer the front and back style double strollers. My bumbleride folds down and doesn't need to be unassembled and reassembled to fit in my car. Godsend. Ain't nobody got time to assemble each time they get out of the car, especially with young kids.
3. A good highchair and carseat. These are kind of duh, but they really do make the most sense. The carseat will house your small child for years if you get the right model. We went with small removable carseats when the boys were infants, and as soon as they outgrew those we bought Britax adjustable models, the ones that grow with them up to 70 pounds. We got the style with side head foam for extra analretentive protection. High chairs are likewise important because that kid will be sitting and slobbering and pooping all over it for a few years. Most likely at least two. We got our highchair from my parents who bought it at a garage sale, but it was a great brand. It folded down flat (not that we ever did that) and was super easy to clean. These aspects are very important. Whatever you get, make sure it's easy to clean. Kids are messy. And after one bout of any type of gastro flu, you will appreciate the ability to clean.

What to Save On
1. Clothing. For the first six months all your baby is going to do is try to soil their clothes in as many ways as humanly possible. Do not buy anything white or off white unless they will be in it for less than an hour. Even that time frame is a little sketchy. If you have garage sales in your area, stock up. If you have mom-to-mom sales, stock up. You can get onesies for a quarter or a dollar, as opposed to $7+, which is just unreasonable. Also your kid is going to grow like a bean sprout so that outfit will probably get worn three times before they outgrow it.
2. Educational Toys. Your kid comes out like a blind mole rat. All these DVDs to teach them appreciation for the arts, etc are great in concept, but seriously. You will be nursing or feeding them while you chow down on whatever is close enough to prevent you from getting up watching whatever you want. They will be paying no attention. Enjoy this brief window to watch your shows and movies, because soon enough you will be watching enough Dora or Dinosaur Train that you want to drink your way to bedtime. Babies can make do with cloth blocks and whatever rattles, etc that you can get at garage sales or handed down from friends. Most toys don't get a lot of attention until much later, and the toys that you think will be popular with your kids often aren't.

What to Wait On
1. Bottles and pacifiers. You do your research and find a certain brand is the BEST omg how could any parent not buy them. Well guess what? Little fussbucket could care less how it was rated by Organic Snob Magazine. Your baby will choose what style of bottle or sippy they prefer, what type of pacifier they will accept. They are the master of their own mouth domain and you are a mere servant. Don't go crazy stocking up until you try out a few styles and find one that works for you.
2. Cloth Diapers. Oh yes, I was that mom. I was going to cloth diaper my sweet little bundles. Well crap hit the fan and it is a lot of work and pretty smelly work to cloth diaper. And I spent a small fortune buying every size of diaper for my brood. The good thing is most cloth diapers have a pretty good resale, especially Bumgenius (my brand of choice). It isn't worth it to blow a small fortune and never use them, and then feel the guilt of the diapers calling to you from the closet. If you feel you want to cloth diaper, buy one or two styles and give it a go for a week. See if it is a realistic goal for you. It may be. I knew people who cloth diapered for years very successfully. I was not one of them. And many of those people bought many and ended up switching styles. It just happens.
3. A pump. Many moms put a pump on their registry. They are crazy expensive. I borrowed my sister's because I am cheap. They say absolutely do not share pumps. Whatever. I believe it's a lot of hype. Do you know who you are getting it from? You should so you know it's clean. The motor can house moisture and bacteria or some such, so take it apart and check it out. And buy new tubes and cups. Obviously. But that sets you back a lot less than a new pump. Plus, there is a good chance that nursing may not happen for you. I've known too many moms that beat themselves up over their inability to nurse successfully. I nursed for AGES, slightly less than 4 years total, and I could not pump to save my life. So even if you do nurse successfully, pumping may not happen for you. If you plan on returning to work soon after then I can see needing a pump, but still I would look into borrowing one from a friend and trying it out before you make the big financial commitment.


And the most important thing to consider:
Parenting is hard work. There are really no instructions for your child. Many people will tell you how to do it this way or how to do it that way. No child will conform perfectly to one style. Don't stress out if things don't go as planned. I had a different labor and delivery than I expected. My first child was a lot different than I was expecting. Survival needs to happen. So what if you can't cloth diaper and homemake all of your own organic food and nurse exclusively for 2 years while making all their clothing from fair trade local cloth. Do what you can. Enjoy the child. Sleep when you can. The rest is just details that won't matter ten years from now. Give yourself some room for grace.