Thursday, April 3, 2014

Blame- Hot Button Topic

Yesterday, my oldest felt warm. By midday he was sprouting a high fever, and after nap it was up over 102. He was just acting like normal, perhaps a bit more draggy. Before dinner it was 103.2. So that's when I threw both boys in a warm bath, gave him some ibuprofen, and waited for the temp to drop. I usually am a panic-er (haha like you couldn't tell from my previous posts), and want to ibuprofen my boys up when they get a fever. I did some reading about fevers, how important it is for the body to get hot to fight off the infection, yada yada. Everything I was reading said a virus from a simple cold can sprout a high fever for 2-3 days, and after that you should be concerned. Last night his fever went down, he was still acting like his normal, brother-hitting self. I slept on the mattress next to his, and around 5 a.m. he was up, trying to convince me to wake up. He was warm and I decided to give him another dose of ibuprofen.
This morning, he felt a little warm, but was acting normal. By midday he was up to 101.7, but didn't seem to be moving from there. He didn't nap, and after, while he was sitting on the couch watching the millionth episode of Bob the Builder (on amazon prime instant, can't believe I just discovered that), he just looked too flushed for me. I took his temp- 103.2. Again. Dammit. So I called the doctor's office and raced to his appointment.
At the appointment it was 103.2. The nurse even seemed surprised by that. He was too interested in her temperature-taking-thingy, scanning his nose, the wall, his knee. The doctor came in, asked some questions, and listened to him breathe. My husband (who arrived to help me wrangle both boys just before the doctor came in) told him to breathe deeply. So he did. And that's when she heard it. The crinkle, apparently. He has pneumonia, she told me. And that's when my heart fell through the floor. Pneumonia. In my professional knowledge of pneumonia (which extends to basically how to spell it), only kids like the sick one from "Secret Garden" get pneumonia. And here is my kid, suffering from it while I'm hoping that his fever will burn off an illness. Holding back tears I asked her some questions about it, none too reassuring (especially that they would give him an antibiotic but if his fever didn't break in two days we have to come back and have him put on something else).
Once I got home I decided to google pneumonia. Trust me, don't do this. Phrases like "number one killer of children" pop up. It isn't pretty.
Then I started playing the blame game. And not in a normal, sane-person way. I didn't think- what did I do wrong, was it because I took him out in the cold, etc.
Nope. The blame game I play is on a whole 'nother playing field.
Photo from last time he was super sick
The blame game I play is, what have I done to upset God. When I worked my last job, my kids started to get sick often. Each time I would think, it's because I just spent a lot of money at the store. Or, it's because I was talking crap about my husband. I'm wondering if the pneumonia is because we didn't go to church last week, because our youngest had a cough. Or is it because I am questioning tenants of the faith? Am I the only one to think this way? 
I didn't think this way when I was growing up. I was raised very middle of the road Methodist. I had crappy things happen, but I felt they were just crappy things. I dated a crappy guy, it was because I made a bad decision. I got sick, it was because I wasn't taking care of myself, etc.
Now, I feel like what I hear in church and what's happening in my life are at a conflict. If by His stripes I am healed, if I am sick or my kids are sick, why is that? Because I haven't had enough faith? Because of sin nature? If I pray for health and immunity for my children and they get pneumonia, is it something I have failed to do in my faith walk? It's like when my mother in law was dying, she fully believed she would be healed. Why wasn't she? Was she not in the right part of her faith walk? We are told all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed, so does this illness show that I do not even have faith that size? 
Maybe I need to sit down with a theologian and ask some questions. Or maybe I just need to read my Bible, talk to God on my own level, and come to my own conclusions. Or maybe I am not supposed to do that, and this is just a test from the devil? I just feel very stranded here with my faith, knowing what I  feel and believe, and what I am told and preached to. Everyone stands up, yells Amen, that by His stripes we are healed, but maybe it's just meant as our souls are healed, we can go to Heaven, not there will be no pain or infirmity again. One of the Apostles says that those with the most faith will be tested the most.
All I know is I am praying that the medicine works, that the pneumonia goes away, and that he won't get it again soon, which they say is a possibility for a few months after.
Once again with the too raw post. There is humor in my life. I'll let you know after the pneumonia and funeral for my neighbor, ok?

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