iFail at Technology: Otterbox Defender

I pride myself on being a pretty smart individual. I've never been arrested, punched, and for the most part I give decent advice.
I apparently have a black thumb when it comes to technology.

Today, I attempted to put together the Otterbox Defender for iPad Air.

And I failed so hard.

Like epic amounts of failing.

Here's a lovely shot of the case from Amazon.

I researched my butt off to find something that would not allow a toddler to break an iPad. And although this one has it's flaws, it seemed like it would honestly do as good of a job as any sane person could ask.

So I get my package out, I pry off the included screen cover (it shows in the pic being used as a stand, another bonus feature, but I can't seem to figure it out for my children). No instructions. Yep. Super awesome. I wave my fist in the air, but what can you do when you buy it off of eBay for half price amirite?
I google "how to take apart otterbox defender ipad air" and get a lovely video that shows me how I should be doing it. He says a credit card will significantly help in removing the impossible silicone outer layer. I try a credit card. Doesn't work. Maybe Otterbox does not like Discover Card, so I try my license, I try an Olive Garden gift card. Nada. I'm trying to be pretty careful not to tweak the eff out and just rip it off she-Hulk style. Because, as I said earlier, I bought it off eBay and pretty sure Otterbox doesn't honor shady second market deals.
I watch another video, thinking maybe I just need another opinion. So very unhelpful. I'm trying to use my own brute strength minus the credit card to get that damn silicone liner off. Oh the struggle is very real. I don't even care if I break it if I can just conquer this damn silicone gasket.
Nothing.
I call the husband and beg him for assistance. He tells me how much I fail as a human if I can't get it off.

Then I grab that damn credit card and try again.

And lo and behold some mighty miracle occurs where I actually pry back part of the silicone gasket.
Hard part over, right?
H to the no.
It's about 10 more minutes of trying to pry this off the entirety of the "high-impact polycarbonate". It's difficult normally, then add to that the fact that all of the ports have special covers made out of the silicone. And if you pull too hard you'll rip it (supposedly, then again this is some rugged ninja silicone). Fiiiinnnnnalllllyyy, I get the silicone off. Hard part over, right?

NO.

There are all these tabs you need to push in to get the polycarbonate case apart. I just cut my fingernails two days ago and apparently that's the weapon of choice. Luckily the video suggests a butter knife, which pushes the tabs just wonderfully (thank you, video). Then I nestle the sweet little iPad inside, snap the polycarbonate case back together (which is very satisfying to hear, like the lockdown of potential smashed iPad). Getting the silicone back on is much easier, although not entirely easy.

Outcome? If my children can somehow get that iPad out of that case then I have either won as a parent or I'm quitting life entirely because I can't manage to outwit a 3 year old.

This is the most difficult case I have ever wrestled onto a device. It seems ridiculously secure. We shall see. All-in-all, another day where a simple piece of plastic has left me sweaty, near tears, and feeling like a failure to the human race. Well played, Otterbox. Well played.