Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Saying Goodbye

Our next door neighbors are pretty awesome. When we moved in we weren't looking to really become chatty with any neighbors. It's just not part of my (introvert) personality. But our neighbors north of us were just hard not to like. They were retired folks, always inviting us over for a beer after my husband got done with work, welcoming me to stop by with the boys whenever I wanted to, even offering to watch them if I needed to run someplace. Granted, they had a lovely home full of things that little children would just treasure to break and smash, so we did most of our socializing outside. In the summers we would talk over the fence, once or twice we took them up on the offer of beer and conversation in their backyard while the boys tried to dig in their garden.
They would tell me, in a hushed voice, how they would wave to my oldest son when he peeked out of the blind during nap time. They knew he was supposed to be asleep, but he got such a thrill out of peeking and waving at the neighbors- "friends" he called them.
Then in November, our Neighbor Grandpa went to the hospital with bad back pain. Not only did he have a crack or some such horrible thing happen to his vertebrae, they found lung cancer. He underwent radiation and chemo, and they found it had spread to his bones. After several rounds of treatment, he passed away yesterday. I knew something was amiss, as the street was literally lined with cars for the few days leading up and preceding it. Neighbor Grandma called to let us know what had happened. What can you even say? I tried to remember what had helped when my mother-in-law passed. Just sorry, praying for you, here for anything you need. How do you go about life as normal when someone you have shared it with for the past 50+ years is gone? I can't even fathom.
Both boys are down with colds, coughs, one small fever. It makes me feel like an ass for the anxiety I feel over illnesses. I would take a cold, a fever, even throwing up over cancer. Any day.
I'm so sick of cancer that I could just scream.
I understand, sin nature, evil in the world, yada yada.
Right now I'm just trying to focus on how to say goodbye, to those just lost, to those lost long ago.
And I can't even...

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